Thursday, 8 February 2007

The Best Medicine

My Hormones are all over the place, and I find myself crying with loneliness, here in my room. I've seen my partner and my little son for about 2 hours over the last week, they hardly ever sleep here any more. And when they do, the little bloke's too tired, or I'm dilating. When Carmen and I are together, we still get moments of the old closeness that we've always had, reading each others minds, or as near as makes no difference. Getting each other things before being asked.

I'm not the kind of woman who gets lonely easily, I rather like being on my own. Or I used to. I did way back in boarding school, in my little flower garden in the forest, that was 40 years ago. For nearly 10 years of my working life, I've stayed in hotel rooms or in officers accommodation rather smaller than most jail cells, alone, reading, and quite happy. No friends nearby, no-one to talk to.
When you're in a body you're ashamed of, when you feel ugly and un-natural, this seems quite alright.

But now... I'm sure it's the mones. I mean, I saw a friend of mine just yesterday for a whole two hours. We see each other often at least twice, sometimes three or four times a year. More often than I see any other of my friends.

So why am I crying? Why do I feel lonely? It could be that my subconscious thinks I deserve more now. Well if so, it's sadly mistaken, Canberra is notorious for being populated with single women "of a certain age" and their feline companions. It really is the case that all, or nearly all, of the good ones are married or gay or both, and besides which, the concept of any form of intimate relationship terrifies me. It's early days yet, but perpetual chastity seems better and better every day. Physically, the chemistry is there for me to be attracted to guys, but mentally, no. I've had too many years doing the male act, too many years of testosterone screwing up my sexual orientation, and worse, too many years associating intimacy with never relaxing, but being called on to perform the hardest, most difficult part of the male act, the bit I had to do if I wanted children, yet the bit that felt so terribly wrong and perverse.

I've had 25 years if aversion therapy to sex, and I think it's worked so well that I don't want to be cured of my problem now. A surprise, considering I deliberately went to the best surgeon on the planet for increasing my chances of being able to have a normal love life. Just in case my initial thoughts were wrong.

So why am I so lonely? Maybe I'm not such an Ice Maiden (accent on the Maiden) after all. Or maybe it's just the mones. Or maybe my life has been, as it is for virtually all TS people before treatment, terribly alone and now I feel it.

So what's a Geek Girl like me to do? Well curtsey to the inimitable Ninme for finding something that makes me smile, something appropriate to my mood too.

Laughter is the best medicine : but when you're crying, just a smile is as good.


Calamity Jane said...

Huge hugs and and a JP-8 tankerful of chocolate are being sent your way.


Zoe Brain said...

Lindt 85%, Just what I needed, thanks Jane!

BTW either testosterone blocks the neurotransmitter receptors that chocolate stimulates, or oestrigen boosts the effect.

When my hormonal balance went from male to female pattern, long before any outside intervention, I went from

"Chocolate? Oh, that's quite nice I suppose"




Hugs back atcha, and dare to do more than just dream, Zoe

Calamity Jane said...

Funny but chocolate has never had that effect for me - fortunate really as I can't eat it due it being high in phsphate and potassium.

By the way - I've applied for a position as a freelance features writer for the local paper ... hmmmm, acting not dreaming for a change eh, scary thought :-)