Friday, 6 July 2007

From Ben Gurion

Not the man, he's been dead for some years, and my laptop doesn't have an integral Ouija Board. Though I'm sure someone will make a plug-in some day.

No, this post is from Ben Gurion Airport, where I'm about to depart from Israel in the general direction of Australia. But "general direction" is right, I'm actually going to Thailand for a while before returning home, for a major body tune-up under General Anaesthetic.

It's been a hectic few days. My emergency replacement Mastercard arrived at the hotel a scant few hours before I checked out to go to the airport. And I had the peculiar sensation of looking at some code I wrote a Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away. Well, in Bremen, Germany, 15 years ago, in a previous Incarnation.

I always used to put my name as "A.E.Brain". No first name.

Now "Alan" is my favourite name for a guy (though I have a certain sneaking fondness for Andrew too). Had I been a guy, I would have worn it with pride. But somehow, something inside me preferred to just put down my initials, and had done since my teens.

Another thing learnt about myself.

I'll write about Israel later. Suffice to say that it would have been easy to imagine I was in a part of Sydney, or the Gold Coast, despite the driving on the right, and the signs in Hebrew, Arabic, and only then English (Anglit in Hebrew).

More later, when I'm in Chonburi, Thailand.


mythusmage said...

Here's hoping your Chonburi trip goes well, and you're soon on your way to recovery. And that your first experience as the catcher instead of the pitcher comes soon and is loads of fun.

Zoe Brain said...

Alan, two things have become more and more obvious as time goes by.
I'm really attracted to guys now. Not boy crazy, but ... well, I'm definitely hererosexual.
I'm also deeply in love with the woman I married, the mother of my child (and yes, a bit jealous there).

I could not have an intimate relationship with anyone I didn't have a good possibility of falling in love with. Casual sex holds no attraction to me. And I'm already in love, I don't want anyone else.

Too bad she's the wrong sex.

Even without all the other hurdles I would face in finding someone else to love, the basic problem is that I don't *want* anyone else. So right now, I think I'll die a virgin. There are worse fates, and although it bothers me a bit, the alternatives are even less attractive.

Time will tell.

mythusmage said...

You'll find somebody. And you'll find that you can love somebody as a friend, and somebody as a lover. And sometimes they're the same person.

And for your information, young lady, sex doesn't have to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes a shag is just a shag. A romp, nothing deeper.

To be cruel about it, you're putting too much maening into it. Yes, it's nice to do it with someone you love, but it isn't necessary to do it only with someone you love.

Do it with someone you like. Do it with someone you meet at a convention or conference so he has a pleasant memory to take home with him. Do it because it feels good.

Do it because you need to. Zoe, you are a virgin. for all intents you are a virgin, and you'll remain a virgin until you get shagged. Your problem is not that you haven't meet the right fellow, your problem is that you're scared. As the man you were the one in control. As a woman you need to learn how to give up control, to let another run the show. You don't trust yourself, and to be a confident, capable women you have to learn to trust yourself.

Don't set the barriers so high it becomes impossible to achieve your goals.

BTW, you're ever in San Diego and we get together, you are getting kissed. Net a peck or a buss, a kiss. A smooch that'll tingle your toes, straighten your hair, and make you grow ovaries and uterus in record time. Whatever happens next happens next. :p

You have friends who care, child.

Zoe Brain said...

A kiss would be nice - but don't expect more.

I was never "in control", even when doing the Boy act. Certain behaviour is instinctive, preset, hardwired - or isn't. Willpower can only do so much. For some things, you have to be born that way.

Alan, I was always like this. It's not something I have a lot of control over. Unlike many, I had very little experience before marriage, I was 21 before I was first kissed.

I can't give someone my body unless I give them a piece of my heart too. Intellectually, I know it's just healthy exercise, the rubbing together of mucous membranes. But my heart says otherwise.

Anonymous said...

I understand more than you know. I find it hard to let go myself, and trusting another enough to let go is the heart of the matter.

But, don't be surprised if you do meet some nice fellow you do want to go to bed with, and nothing more. We are a variable species, and we reserve the right to change our minds.

BTW, it isn't your body you give, it's you. If it was just your body, then you'd be shagging right, left, and on the ceiling.

And before I forget ... Have you been kissed as a woman yet?

Be sure to update us on how things are going with your warranty repair.

Alan (who couldn't sign in because Blogger is being "that way" again)

Zoe Brain said...

Kissed as a woman? Yes, once.

My toes curled, and I was about halfway to... well, it was quite an experience.

But then, I started having complications, so it didn't go any further. Too much pain, mess, etc for me to have any interest in anything or anyone.

I'm still in love though, and that is the real complication, not the medical matters.

Anonymous said...

A kiss makes all the difference, don't it? "Dang principles, this is fun!" :)

There is one thing to keep in mind. For women sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The first piece is a bitch, all the rest are easy.

Alan again (have you ever thought of switching to WordPress?)

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