Thursday, 2 September 2010

Lord of the Rings

As written by various authors.

Jack Vance -
The party emerged from Mordor, each looking thoughtful. Aragorn spoke first.

'It is needless to say that we all regret the loss of Gandalf. He was truly a person of eminence and grace'.

'Yet', interrupted Legolas, 'The cynical and suspicious might find your heartfelt grief at his untimely demise perhaps lacking a touch of sincerity, given that his death at this time perforce elects you to leader of our little group'

' The implication in your words, Legolas, I find disturbing in the extreme', answered Aragorn.

'As do I, although the implication in question is perhaps a different one', said Boromir. 'Why is Aragorn, as you say, 'perforced elected' to leadership? Surely this matter should be referred to a larger referendum than just yourself, Legolas, intelligent though you may be'

'I used the specific appellation...', began Legolas. Gimli interrupted.

'Regardless, and I must say I find these small-minded squabbles of yours irksome and inappropriate, we are on the borders of Lothlorien, a realm whose inhabitants have certain unusual customs, which the unwary traveller often falls foul of. I suggest that our friend Frodo renders the Ring on to me until we are through Lothlorien and in a place of more condign safety, or perhaps an even greater period of time'.

Pippin frowned. 'Your suggestion has merit, although I would deem it wiser that someone more suitable, for instance I, should have the laborious and dangerous duty of actually carrying the Ring...'


Don McLean

A long long time ago
I can still remember how that Ring used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
I could make those Numenorians dance
And maybe they'd be off my case, for a while.
But Isildur made me shiver
With every digit he did sever.
Elf host on my doorstep
I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I cried
When I heard that my Balrog died.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the One Ring fried.

So bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin' miruvor and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die.

Did you write the Book of Lore?
And do you have faith in Valar’s shore?
If the Elves tell you so.
Do you believe in the Hobbit’s role?
Can he destroy my immortal soul?
And can he reach me in Amon Sûl?
Well, I was not afraid of him
'Cause I thought the fellowship quite dim
But the Hobbits shook off pursuit
They left their all their friends en route.
I was an almighty evil fu*k
With a huge army and a lot of pluck
But I knew that I was out of luck
The day the One Ring fried.
And now I’m singin'

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin' miruvor and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Now for Ages I was on my own,
And grew fat on blood and bone.
But that's just how it used to be.
When I whispered to Kings and Queens
My wraiths, they all rode unseen
And I gleefully poisoned those damn trees.
Oh, while Fingol was looking down
The Silmarillion was leaving town.
The Valar court was adjourned
No verdict was returned.
And while Bilbo wrote the Red Book
The orcs were driven off by Took
And Angmar sang dirges in the dark
The day the One Ring fried
We were singing

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin' miruvor and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Helter Skelter in Orthanc’s smelter
The Ents pulled down Saruman’s fallout shelter
Eight fathoms deep and filling fast
It poured out foul on to the grass
The Uruk-hai tried for a forward pass
With some Hobbits on the sidelines with a cask.
Now the air was filled with sweet perfume
While hobbits smoked and Ents did “HOOM”!
The Orcs were handy with a lance
Oh, but they never got the chance
'Cause the armies tried to take the field
The Fangorn woods refused to yield
Do you recall whose doom was sealed?
The day the One Ring fried?
We started singing

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove my hoards to the fords
But the hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin' miruvor and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Oh, and there we were all in one place
Armies meeting face to face
We were mighty sure we’d win
But, Baggins was nimble, Baggins was quick
Baggins survived Shelob’s prick
'Cause Gamgee was such a loyal friend.
Oh, and as I spied him on Orodruin
I knew this my day would ruin.
Who knew a hobbit from a dell
Could break my mighty spell?
And as the flames climbed high into the night
Just before I lost my sight
I saw Gandalf laughing with delight
The day the One Ring fried
He was singing

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove your hoards to the fords
And your hoards did die.
And us Elvin Lords are drinkin' miruvor and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that you die
This'll be the day that you die

I met a Balrog who sang the blues
And I asked him for some happy news
But he just roared and turned away.
I went down to the hellish forge
Where I'd made the Rings years before
But the forge was cold, no longer fey
And in the skies the Nazgûl screamed
Wormtongue cried, and Saruman schemed.
But not a word was spoken
Mordor’s gates were broken.
And the three men I loathe the most
Aragorn, Elrond and the Wizard Ghost
They caught the last ship for the coast
The day the One Ring fried
And they were singing,

Bye-bye, Ring of the Eye
Drove your hoards to the fords
And your hoards did die.
And them Elvin Lords were drinkin' miruvor and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that you die….


...and many others.

4 comments:

Jamie said...

Nitpick:

Gandalf 'died' in Moria, not Mordor.

*DUCK*

But so so true regardless

Nilk said...

Here you go, Zoe. :)

Book A Minute has all your classic tales.

Supercondensed for easy reading.

Zoe Brain said...

Hi Nilk

I notice that the Christian Democrats gave their preferences to the DLP, putting them over the line.

The DLP would void my marriage, and prevent my son from ever marrying anyone, as he's intersexed. They make no distinction between Homosexual and Transsexual, and Transsexual and Intersexed.

Their claim is that we are a threat to Humanity, and must not be given any human rights, in accordance with the Pope's speeches on the subject of Intersexed people recently, to the Curia and the Vatican Diplomatic Corps.

So I'm not best pleased with the Christian Democrats at the moment.


But... it's really, really good to hear from you after so long. Hugs to Magilla.

donkeykong64 said...

What pisses me off is that the DLP candidate was elected on the basis of Liberal Democrat preferences.

The DLP are socially conservative and - from what I hear - economically protectionist. Why would the liberal democrats preference them ahead of Liberal and Labor?

Quote: "The strategy was to get a candidate elected to the Senate through preferences with other minor parties. Senate preferences did not favour the major parties (Labor, Coalition and Greens) - we sought to assist other minor parties first." - ldp.org.au campaign page

It sounds like a stupid strategy to me: put (most) minor parties first, just to spite the major parties, even if that goes against the LibDems' fundamental principles. I'm not an LDP supporter, but I expect that many of the people who gave them a ticket-vote in Victoria would not be happy that their votes were crucial to electing an ultra-conservative DLP senator.

The LibDem's ticket got 1.81% of the Victorian senate vote, and the DLP candidate would not have been elected without LibDem ticket preferences. If they're trying to promote 'liberty', then they're not doing a very good job.

P.S. The Victorian DLP were true to their principles and put the LibDems third-last on their voting ticket (above Sex Party and Secular Party).

P.P.S. I can produce more figures for my claims about the Victorian senate outcome if anyone wants them (all derived from the AEC website).