Thursday, 14 December 2006

Four Weeks Later

It's now 4 weeks since the operation.

And I'm bawling my eyes out, I'm afraid. You see, I'm finally starting to realise that it really, truly happened at last. Nothing went wrong. Nothing prevented it. It genuinely happened, and there's no need to stop concealing the all-consuming hunger, the longing, the dreadful need I had for this.

I was so afraid something would prevent it. I couldn't let myself feel what was inside, simply because if I had, and something had have happened to cause a delay, then I don't know if my sanity would have remained intact. Probably, I have a son to parent after all, going nuts might be a pleasant escape, but I couldn't afford to.

I've been suppressing the need for so very long, it's only now that it's starting to come out. I'm crying tears of joy, but mostly of relief, my long nightmare over at last.

It will take me some time to get all this out of my system, you don't get rid of 35 years of suppressed psychic torture - for that's what it was - overnight. I've told myself that I was lucky : unlike those who dressed part time, who took ever increasing doses of anti-depressants, who spent vast quantities of time and money venting their abject misery to psychiatrists, those who crawled into booze bottles or worse... my Gender Dysphoria wasn't as bad.

But now I know, after talking with many other women here at the clinic, that it was far, far worse. So very bad that I couldn't admit its existence. No psych for me, no anti-depressants, no coping behaviour, I just went psychotic in a very small way, total denial. And now all the things I had to keep inside and hidden from myself, I can now admit their existence. They're Irrelevant now. The Fear of failure or delay now evaporated. I'm Free. I'm actually, genuinely Free.

Oh the Relief!

I've kept a relatively even keel so far, blogging about space, and politics, and the joys of dilation, but now the emotional pressure is low enough for me to let it all out without explosion. OK, without much of an explosion.

You see, I'm so very happy, that's all. And now is the time for me to say so.

And to thank all those who have commented here or elsewhere giving their support, and especially those who have contributed significantly to my expenses by hitting the tip jar.

Tears of Happiness. Tears of Relief. Tears of freedom from Fear. Tears of Joy.

Thank you all.


Calamity Jane said...

Bless your heart Zoe, 'cos you've touched mine. I am so glad that you're happy at last even if you didn't realize how unhappy you were before. Oooo I love a happy ending :-)

Zoe Brain said...

I hope your travails have a similar result - something better than your wildest dreams. Because your life hasn't exactly been the easiest, has it?

Anything I can do to help, please let me know, OK? If you have to vent, or whatever. I enjoy your blog immensely BTW.

One minor correction though : this isn't so much a happy ending as a happier beginning.

Wishing you all the happiness and health possible, Zoe

Alan Kellogg said...


This is a promissary note for one hug, redeemable should you ever be in the San Diego CA area. Anything beyond hugs is encouraged. :)

Remember, men are better than cucumbers because cucumbers can't take you to the movies.

Zoe Brain said...

Alan.... well, it looks like I'll be at the International Conference on Software Engineering in May '07. That's in Minneapolis. But I'll have to fly back via LA. Not exactly next door... but a detour might be possible.

Cucumber Sandwiches and a Movie?

Alan Kellogg said...

Cucumber sandwiches? God forbid! This is San Diego we're talking about here. Burritos and mole chicken are what's called for. 'Sides, the last I heard you were still going through puberty (again), and that takes a lot out of a girl. :)