Sunday, 29 April 2007

Remembrance of Things Past

It is now nearly 2 years since my Transition started. In fact, if what we think is the cause is correct, 2 years ago today my metabolism was already starting to go completely haywire due to the anti-cholesterol drug regime I'd just commenced.
The first psychological symptoms cased by drastic hormonal changes showed up on May 4th. The physiological changes perhaps a few days later, perhaps two weeks, it's difficult to say. I really wish there had been someone taking measurements and notes, things happened so quickly and the changes were so stressful, I didn't keep records the way I should have.

OK, I was rather busy at the time.

Anyway, the record of how I felt is on this blog, and sometimes in comments elsewhere. I found some recently, that reminded me of the me that was, Zoe emerging from her chrysalis, yet still not complete.

It's over at Opinion Dominion. Here is the whole thing.

A Brain Change?
Goodness, what odd things can happen in this world of blogging. Alan Brain (see left) kindly recommended this site in a post a few weeks ago, and now appears to be undergoing a not unwelcomed dramatic alteration in his life, due to hormonal changes the source of which he says are a medical mystery. Not only that, he wants to complete the task, as it were, inviting donations.

I don't think he is joking; he sounds sincere. But unusually "matter of fact" about it. He wasn't on 4 corners tonight, was he?

No one has commented on this yet as far as I can see from my blog role. Certainly there are no comments on his site to his "new image" post. I can just imagine everyone out there being slack jawed like me wondering what to make of it.

That is all I can think of to say about it ....

posted by Steve at 11:57 PM


Zoe Brain said...

It's hilarious - but I'm not joking.

As for "matter of fact", well, you know what happens to test pilots' voices when things start turning to custard.

As I flatly stated to the endocrinologist after calmly reciting various figures for weight etc over time "This is the way I deal with stress situations. I calmly and rationally analyse and externalise them. This is my panic reaction, and believe you me, I'm in a full-fledged panic right now."

It's only afterwards, when the fuss is past, that I gibber in the corner for a bit.

Though as of a few days ago, when I said "To heck with it, let the world know", I've felt a lot better, even starting to enjoy things.

I had a word with the CEO of my firm today - instead of transitioning to female appearance in January, as I'd planned, the male appearance is becoming so unconvincing that it might have to be in 3-4 weeks.

I can't wait.
1:05 AM

Zoe Brain said...

BTW the 4 Corners program was about as accurate as humanly possible. First rate.

I even cried twice. Firstly at the description of Kevin's Puberty Blues (you can have no idea how hellish it can be... really...) as I recalled my own, and then when they all lived happily ever after.

Kevin may be genetically XX, but he's a million times more male than I ever was.
1:08 AM

Zoe Brain said...

By the way, that should be "she sounds sincere..."

But you're forgiven. It took me a little time for me to get used to the concept myself, I don't expect others to do so in a hurry. :-)

And even I forget to do neccessary things, like change my Blogger ID...
1:06 PM
That was on July 25th, 2005. But on July 27th, I had a most distressing experience. I was taken for a "Butch Lez" by some drunks on the way to work. They threatened sexual assault. I wasn't passing as male, even in my normal office attire. Even hiding the changes under baggy clothing.

So on July 28th I went fulltime, not in "3-4 weeks" and certainly not in January 2006.

Me, the imperturbable, implacable and serene Zoe Brain, I was terrified. I just had no choice. Looking back, I am amazed that anyone could do it, least of all me.

But I had to survive. For my Boy.
Now look at you, you must be growing
A quarter of an inch a day
You've already lived near half the years
You'll be when you go away
With your teddy bears and alligators
Enterprise communicators
All the tiny aviators head into the sky
And while the others play with you
I hope to find a way with you
And sometimes spend a day with you
I'll catch you as you fly
Or if I'm worth a mother's salt
I'll wave as you go by

And if you should ever wonder
How the years and you'll survive
Honey, you've got a mother who sings to you
Dances on the strings for you
Opens her heart and brings to you
An honest lullaby

One of my favourite songs, always was. I'll never be my Boy's mother, but yes, maybe worth a mother's salt. He was and is my inspiration, and to be able to love my son without reservation, as mothers do, is a gift beyond price.


Joseph said...

Have you tried using The Gender Genie to track the effects of transition on blog entries?

Zoe Brain said...

Yes I did, on a few random samples, starting with this one. Consistently female throughout, no change detectable.
No surprise really, the few times I was just the male side of centre on some tests, I felt quite disappointed. Usually firmly pink not blue, and always have been.
Yet I thought of myself as a weird guy! Oh the depths of self-deception we plumb just to tolerate the intolerable, and bear the unbearable.
What the heck, it worked, for 35 odd years. Some very odd.